Who moved my plane?

The first trick-or-treaters in 15 years are knocking. I’m leaping up over several strewn suitcases, holding up a finger, looking for my hidden stash. Ah, the Dove chocolates, mostly gone and partly stale, pass from me to them in unwritten code: costumed children get treats. I’m just glad I didn’t have to resort to the boxed raisins (trick).

Suddenly, I’m in a time machine, clunking about in noise and heft as I grab the wheel with both hands and strain to turn. It is a slow descent. I’m back at the locust house; I see my witch friend barbecuing next door in the dark. ‘We have to stick together,’ she croons over the flames. It’s a complete head fuck and fog. Everything is percolating in the back matter.

The real reason I’m here is to find the underbelly of this machine we call life. I panic about the house with my coffee and wired thoughts. I have to get to the other side of each and every one and then find my way back. I’m not sure which way to go at each intersection. Decision and creation. You can’t have one without the other. I pick a path; I adapt; I pivot; I grow stronger ankles.

Now I’m ambling through the woods past abandoned cabins. I gaze around me at all the nesting places, resting places. I want to stay. I want to fall right into the soft wide bed of the blue foothills. But the runway is calling. It is just beyond those trees.

I see her lines. I am shyly circling them. All around mothers are cheering daughters, themselves. Making, marking time. My thoughts knit a giant yarn ball; I try to separate out the threads, the colors, the patterns. I need to make sense of this soft chaos. I need. I’m a poet, but that doesn’t mean I’m not angry.

I‘m in the parade now, part of the memory and worry. The biohazardy. We are marching. We are camping out on the runway. We are drinking tea and whiskey and wearing ear muffs and watching the sunsets and planes—coming and going.

I’m standing on the asphalt. Between the yellow lines. I’m searching, standing under planes, gazing up at their massively sleek bodies. I can’t find mine. It is strangely quiet. My thoughts are stilled, as if held within a frozen window frame. I am feeling the words: ‘Let fear be your tailwind, not your headwind.’

I am running.  I am stretching out my arms. I am being cheered and guided and lifted. I am . . . flying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

crazy

‘Crazy’ is often associated with love. Crazy for you, crazy in love, head over heels. I think at times you have to be crazy. You have to let go. You have to lose your footing and let yourself float above it all. What do I mean by footing? Grounded- on this earth- in the soil- in the body- aware of the parameters and boundaries; capabilities and limitations.

But we are more than that. We are more than earth. Dust to dust- but with breath. The floating is the breath; the erratic movement is the crazy. Without that, we are just a rock. Don’t get me wrong: rocks are great. They hold up giant landforms and caverns and walls and monuments. They tuck magically into your pocket. They are tossed freely into wells with wishes. But there are limits to a rock. There are limits even to the water that flows over them, to the fish that swim among them, to the bears that lumber across them.

In the air, the atmosphere, it keeps going. It is limitless. Once released from a jar, a vessel, a set of lungs- the air just goes. And if nothing stops it, it dissipates back into source as it reaches the heavens. I don’t know why this would be considered crazy. I guess because our bodies can’t fly — at least not in their current state. And those that think they can … have fallen to their death.

But once we cut our tether, our anchor, our umbilical cord, our solar plexus — we are limitless. We have no need for food or water or even sun. We are the sun. We become the energy in its purest form. Is it so crazy to want to be that? Odorless, tasteless, colorless, radiant light? What do I mean by light? Mystery. Indefinable being. Rushing with abandon. Plundering the galaxy for beauty — and leaving behind even more in its wake: like a vast comet. I don’t know what I mean by any of this, but I like it. I want to be it. I crave the nature of beautiful nothingness. And everythingness.

abide

the silence is a steep silo around me:

comforting and suffocating.

 

i have to get inside it every day.

 

my vessel with feet of clay is a

blue bulb breaking—

 

spilling angry-beautiful

love.

 

i look up through the tiny window

to see tiny leaves clapping:

 

calling for a

revolution.

the signature of being

here we are

atop the summit

astride a wide field

with woven baskets

swinging on our arms

for the gleaning;

we are open containers

waiting for the gloaming.

it has been a long climb.

the geese know.

we approach a firefly

with quiet reverence;

we cup it in our hands

and feel the prayer.

we have been here before:

it is the signature of being.

 

~for my daughter on her 18th birthday~

one way ticket

i stood there at that bus stop

on the hill,

waiting:

book in hand,

reading about the galapagos islands

and a sailor turned poet

who almost crashed into them.

next to me a tree bloomed into a fence;

i didn’t know its name.

i stood there at that crossroads,

wanting:

a purpose,

a heading,

a sign,

a job.

it feels so long ago now.

but i felt the most alive then:

deep in that despair—with an edge of hope.

i knew somehow it would all work out.

i knew we would be ok.

but the desperation sharpened something in me

that will never be the same.

 

fill

life is lonely:

fill it up.

 

laugh when you can.

be open to things that scare you.

 

sing at least once a day.

try to touch at least one being, and be touched.

 

life is lonely.

it’s ok;

we all know it.

lean into it.

 

there are times when you need

that space,

that quiet,

that gut-wrenching truth.

 

out of that wilderness

can come meaning, purpose,

focus, action.

 

get your fill.

 

 

 

grown-up love

i go in search of a drink

and find a bar with a door-bell

and ring it and go into the glowing cave

and see earthquake tori calling to me from the tv

from across the continents, saying: let diagonal lies lie;

singing: we are all shell-shocked at one time or another by truth—

this is life. let it be. drink your drink. live your life. love your self, love.